Relegating Sex to Where it Belongs
Submitted Anonymously

The topic has arisen, and I am ready to address it!! When it comes down to sex within a relationship, and the nitty-gritty reality of how many times you do it, just what is normal? "Normal" has no meaning in connection with how often you have sex, it's completely different for each individual. I strongly believe that it doesn't matter a damn what other people are doing, it only matters what you are doing and how you feel about it.

There are many myths about sex, but one of the greatest must surely be the myth that everyone is doing it or wanting it all the time. The reality is that many women simply don't want to do it all the time or even very often. They may have at one time, and they may do again, but there does come a time in a woman's life when sex takes a back seat. It may be lack of interest, lack of energy, lack of time, whatever. Women around the world must often wonder to themselves how often other women do it, and how often is normal within a relationship – mainly because their partner wants sex more often than they do and may have berated them for not being "normal" – or worse still may have told them they are "abnormal" and frigid etc. So how do you find out how other women really feel about this? After all, it takes some guts to open up and admit to not having or wanting sex very often, when apparently the rest of the world is at it all the time. Aren't women who turn their nose up at sex supposed to be passionless, uptight and laughable? Absolutely not, there are millions of women who don't want or need sex all the time, and we are all perfectly healthy and normal.

It is only when a large group of like-minded women take the bull by its horns, open up this can of worms, and tell it like it is, that you can get a real picture, of real women, and their real sexual appetite. Only then can you learn the reality of how often they are really doing it and why, their thoughts and experiences. Only then can you dare to think "It's not just me, there are loads of women out there who feel like I do". Time to tell the men!! Time to tell the world!! Time to prove that you are not the only woman in the universe who prefers other activities to sex!! The advent of email groups on the Internet is a blessing, for they provide a forum where women can be honest about sensitive issues, safe in the knowledge that those listening are like-minded yet somewhat removed and not there to judge. This issue has recently come up on a women's [mother's] list I am part of, and the revelation that most of us are not really that much into sex right now has done much to quell our various concerns about whether we might be "normal" or not in this area. Indeed, it appears we are all normal, most of us doing it just as much as each other – which is much less often than the general perception may have been – our own perceptions, our DH's perceptions, the world's perceptions. Out of 100 or so of us, from all situations and locations around the world, the disclosure that most of us don't need a calculator to keep track of our monthly bedroom escapades (indeed, one hand could often do the counting), provided solace. We have no need to feel at all inferior or inadequate.

I believe that whatever you want is normal – whatever your attitude towards sex, at whatever time of day, or life. It's normal, because it's what you want. Changes in libido have much more to do with stages and ages, than they do with the intrinsic self, your love of your partner, need of companionship, yearning for sex etc. It's really just a case of getting it in perspective and asserting what your real priorities are. I know for me, sex is not a priority in the great scheme and busy-ness of my life at present. I have given it a lower ranking now, than ever before. And when I look at this logically, I believe I have relegated it to a far more realistic place than it ever was before. I have a great deal of sexual experience, I am not naïve, I know I have the wherewithal to have great sex if I choose. But I choose not to indulge that often these days, because it simply doesn't have the same attraction and appeal it once did. I do it now for different reasons.

In my 20s, sex was rather all-consuming. I sank so much energy into the whole concept of sex and when, where, why it would happen next, and with who. Sex was a major focus, day or night – I was always wondering when, how, who …  Eeeek, it was quite pathetic really. But I have to remember, back then I was young, free, had no responsibilities and was completely in love or lust with the man of the moment. Looking back, it was really a power play on my part – I did feel a sense of power when I had sex, which was a lot in those days. I was sensible and it was always my decision, indeed it was often my intention and got under way because of my flirtations. It was easy, fun and carefree. It didn't mean the man of the moment was going to become the man of my life forever. That was my power. I frequently spent entire weekends in bed with my man, moving only to stumble hurriedly arm-in-arm into the dusk for takeaway food on a Sunday evening to get some nourishment - which at the time seemed less of a necessity of life than sex!

As I became older and "grew up" - eventually becoming partner and mother in my 30s – I became infinitely more content with who I was, more stable, stronger within, and happier throughout. My priorities became sorted as to how I wanted them, and I learnt to make good choices and be delighted with them, despite what anyone else might have thought. I stood up for my principles, and even if I got knocked back, I didn't waver for I felt content within about those choices and principles, because they worked for me. And along with this strength and maturity and contentment, I found the need for sex became less and less. It was not to do with my man of the moment – by this time I was in a permanent long-term relationship – or the act of sex itself becoming less appealing. It was a lot to do with the fact I no longer needed that reassurance that came with seeking and procuring sex, that "power", that constant need for someone to fancy me, be there, whatever. I had faith in myself, I liked myself, I didn't need to prove anything to anyone, much less to myself.

I guess the major influence for me in realizing it was time to slot sex down the ladder where it belonged came when I had my first child. I had more purpose in my own life and passion for this new life, my actions and intentions were not limited to me and my selfish single needs, or the needs of me and my partner as a couple. The reality of becoming a mother made me look far further than the pure pleasures and timelessness of a childless life, which over time had included seemingly limitless energy, free time and sex. That was a great time, and I am infinitely grateful I had many years in which to indulge myself, but childbirth brought a reality check with it, an invitation to reprioritise. Add up the physical toll on your body, the emotional roller-coaster, the lack of sleep, energy and time, the significant new focus, the change in daily life – how can sex be incorporated, how can it retain its priority status? Sex just required too much energy in every way - it was time to take it down a peg or two, and it was very easy for me to shift my view on sex and shove it sideways for a while. At the time I never realized it would remain at that level for so long.

On reflection – and I've reflected long and hard – I believe that upon attaining a stage and status in my life where I felt totally purposeful in my own right, strong and attuned to my life and new role as mother, at that point my need and want for sex became so much less.

So you can count me among those many women not terribly interested in sex these days. When I am, I most definitely am, and when I'm not, well I'm not and that's that. Who cares? I don't, because I don't think I'm abnormal or strange. I think I'm perfectly well adjusted and know I am able to make up my own mind about what is right and normal for me or not. I'm lucky, I don't get hassled about it by my partner – who, despite a keen appetite for sex, is often as tired as I am anyway. There comes a time when blissful uninterrupted sleep is far more inviting than sex all night. Sometimes the need to prioritize between sleep and sex is tricky, but sleep will usually win for me. Midnight fondling is a rarity – wo betide if I am woken in the wee small hours! Morning sex – ack, forget it. Sleep please, every minute of dozing is precious.

Then there is the issue about who initiates sex. Hmmm – often a woman doesn't want the sex, but just the affection. Usually the man will get quickly past the affection stage and advance to the sex. Thus some reticence on the part of the woman in initiating it in the first place. It's not easy to restrain a man who is probably hanging out for more sex than he gets, if all you want is a cuddle, so it's better not to excite him in the first place. Hence longer without sex … vicious cycle.

Now, if my partner and I have had a great night out, had a few wines, had a good chat, and feel in tune and far removed from the rigors of the working and parenting day, then sex is very very likely. And very very nice. In fact, it's called making love!

If we've had a routine type of day, quite honestly, flopping into bed as and when we can get there is the most inviting thing of all. My partner is usually in bed before me during the week, and asleep before I get there. I am a night person and need that time to complete tasks, slipping into bed quietly and late. I'm not into initiating the midnight fondle when sleep beckons, so no chance of sex happening in this scenario. I don't feel pressured or guilty or inadequate. A responsible together adult (ESP a parent) ought to have a more balanced attitude and higher priorities than hassling their partner for sex. After all, it's just another activity – an important one, and a very nice one, but it's just an activity. Honesty, integrity, loyalty, responsibility, companionship and friendship – these are all far more important to me in a relationship than sex, although I do deem sex an important part.

So what to do if your partner has been out all hours drinking and staggers home worse for wear wanting sex and you are NOT in the mood? Feign sleep? Castigate and rebuke him? Or relent and get down to business and get it over with? Or perhaps all three in that order … This reminds me of a joke about the best way for a guy to get off the hook from his wife if he's been out drinking and comes home late completely drunk – if he makes a great song and dance about entering the house, claps his hands and calls out "Here I am baby, I'm home, I'm coming. I'm all ready for you!" and lurches loudly towards the bedroom –the likely response will be soft snoring and a wife who will not wake up. Result: he escapes a major telling off, even if he doesn't get great sex that night!!

If this were me, I would definitely be feigning sleep - I don't equate sex with a reeling, slurring male stinking of booze, with an ounce of pleasure I'm afraid. Plus he can get the telling off in the morning!

BTW, this joke would have a somewhat different interpretation if you changed the genders around – think about it!

I never feel bad about the fact that we only get around to it once every couple of weeks – sometimes more, sometimes less. Why should I? I am in no doubt that our sex statistics and attitudes are very similar to most people in our situation. Just as I am in no doubt that my own sex statistics and attitude during my 20s were very similar to most people in my situation at that time. I abhor the world's obsession with sex, and I believe those three little letters have a lot to answer for in terms of unhappiness, abuse, guilt, fear, misery, violence … which in turn often lead to dropping the "s" and ending up with an "ex".  Along with money. Both are powerful tools that can be used in an abusive and coercive way. Sure they can provide pleasure and leisure, and sex is a healthy part of everyone's life in some form or other - but the obsession that sex has to become part of every facet within our lives is scary. There are so many other activities equally, if not more pleasurable than sex. Often, the underlying pleasure of sex lies in the notion that someone wants you, likes you, needs you. Sex itself can temporarily dispel many insecurities, it can also create many. Coming from my perspective within a 10 year relationship, when sex is there for the taking, it's just not so inviting or exciting. Fabulous when it happens, but it shouldn't need to happen all the time. Perhaps this seems dull and boring and odd to some people, that I have other things that take precedence over sex, but that's their problem, not mine! If someone else wants sex all the time, that's their issue, not mine – as long as they are not hassling me for it!! Let's face it, if you're after an orgasm, you don't really need a partner!

A mum also has a right to feel "touched out" – with children to carry, babies to cuddle, kids to embrace, there comes a time when she just needs s p a c e.  And time to come to terms with the fact her body is not what it once was, especially if she has a growing brood. It would be a selfish mother who would rather forsake her children and have back her body or her insatiable libido from years gone by. And we all know there is no such thing as a selfish mother, don't we …!

My own personal general overriding thought about all this – and it would be my requital were it ever to be required – is that there are many things in this life that I used to do with love and passion and obsession, prior to having children. But since my kids came along, I just can't do them any more. This has taken time and patience to accept, but there are many things I have had to forsake, whether it be temporary or longer-term – sporting activities, impromptu dining out, meeting friends whenever I want, travel, sleeping in, leisurely meals, entertaining, sex etc. etc. I don't get the opportunity to do any of these things as often as I used to, despite being obsessed with all of them once upon a time. Notice that sex is just one on this list … that's how it is. When the occasion arises, the time is right, the energy is high and the logistics are simple, then I'll be there, for any of the above. But to be honest, if I had a choice of skiing a fresh powder run, or having sex tomorrow – no contest, the powder would win, I get the chance to ski far less than I get the chance for sex! Once, it would have been a very tough contest, and no doubt the sex would have won out in the end.

My analogy is this – I used to be obsessed with skiing, golfing, sex … I would ski in freezing temperatures and whiteouts in pursuit of the perfect run; I would golf in thunderstorms and gales in pursuit of that par or birdie; I would have sex for hours anywhere in pursuit of an orgasm and being "normal"..  I would crave any of them if I couldn't have them. Now that the novelty and fixation with these activities has passed, I will only do them under perfect conditions, when all is ideal and feels right for me - and such conditions are not always available. I'm no expert at any of the above, but when I do them, I enjoy them. It took a while to accept that some of the fun things in life would be curbed once I had kids – but my enjoyment of life is no less because of that. I do what I have to do first, and follow that up with doing what I want to do when time allows. You may need to substitute the skiing and the golfing with other activities to equate the analogy to your own situation, but I'm sure you get the idea.

To summarize, once upon a time, long ago, in another world and another life, sex was probably one of the most important things in the world, and without it I felt rather perplexed and disappointed. Now, in my new and far more stimulating and important life as a older and wiser person, a mother and partner (and everything else that I am) it just doesn't figure much. When I reflect on the numerous jobs that I carry out (mother, partner, family member, part-time worker [I have a 15 hour a week job], crafter [I sell decoupage items], student [I'm doing a financial study course], homemaker, "taxi driver", playmate, mediator, confidante, committee member etc. etc.), I am not at all surprised that sex just doesn't rate up there at the moment. There is only a very small slot for my own personal recreation these days, and I fill it when I can, but I am very careful about what I select to do, as that time is so precious. I do ensure that I make time to see and talk with friends when I can – to me this is just as important as sex. But the most important thing of all is family time, being with my partner and my children, and just being me. It is this that gives me most pleasure in life, simple but oh so wondrous - and infinitely more satisfying and fulfilling than sex. I am normal!!