Rape through Rophynil
"The Date Rape Drug"
The Follow up Story
by Wendy Wade
© Copyright 1999

Thanks to you all for your loving support.

I discovered a little more about how important writing this story and letting you all read it was. Since thinking by writing The Story, I would somehow have been finished with the work, sent me wondering why I felt sort of empty after I sent it out.

What I've discovered is, that until I work through the shame and guilt I thought was gone - The Story remains unfinished. The reason I felt sort of empty is that I wrote the details (and I am not discounting the work it took to write it) and found a sadness that began to fill my heart. The sadness is in knowing that the real work comes from dealing with this new level of feelings and the new level of feelings brings me back to how I am still filled with grief, shame, and guilt. How easy it is for me to stuff the pain back and fool even myself.

I have been having some "she-demon" nightmares lately. They start with me finding my creative side (something I have been spending a lot of time on recently) being hard at work writing and expressing myself - the she demon either enters to tell me how I haven't done it right and begin to mutilate my fingers or comes in without any warning and begins to mutilate my hands while I write. She chops them into little pieces as I watch. My take on the nightmare is that it is only my "she-demon" or my dark self that keeps me from getting where I want to go. My nightmares in the past (and up until a few years ago, the only dreams I had were all nightmares) have all been with "he-demons" in close pursuit. I guess I've scared most of them away and I am left with the parts of me, the dark side of me, the she-demon in me, to explore.

It has been quite the roller coaster and one I know most or some of you have dealt with in your own history. I thank you and the universe around me for allowing me the opportunity to be a part of this family. This is where I find great comfort and love and support. This is where I get honest and heartfelt feedback. This is where I learn to grow. Through you I find my creative, gorgeous, wonderful Goddess self...

Namaste
wendy wade

Two days ago a good friend sent me an article about two men who were on trial in Southern California for numerous sexual charges. They had been found with 20 videotapes of women they had drugged and raped on camera. I knew it was a long shot but I called the police man in charge of my case in Monterey (because of the similarity in the cases) and I asked him to check with the arresting officer in this case to see if there were any unidentified women in the videos. The last two days I have been sitting on pins and needles; sometimes with joy thinking this could finally really come to an end - but mostly with fear that it would start all over again. Yesterday, The contact was made and the woman handling the case in So California said that there were several unidentified women but that the men were not in the vicinity of Monterey during the time of my rape and that none of the women on tape matched my description.

In some ways I was really relieved that I didn't have to take this on again. I also was hit with more of the anger and pain in that they were still out there and possibly this was happening to other women.

One thing I am sure about is that in writing and distributing My Story I have opened my life to some incredible feelings of knowing who I am. I know I stand firmly on the ground in this universe and that this universe supports me in my journey and my life's work. My life's work presents more pieces of itself on a daily basis and yesterday I applied for a business license. The name of my business is/will be Living Joy Unlimited and, in some way, will support people in their chosen path to living life fully and "in love". I also want to include making the "truth" available to teens and preteens so that choosing love in their lives will become a natural progression to adulthood. I intend to write a book (in progress) for children and continue my work with the HAI, (Human Awareness Institute).. HAI is and was and will be my tool to work through my own "stuff". My work there supports me in reaching people to create "a world where everyone wins" and to continue to build my own world "where everyone wins".

Thanks for listening once again. I have more in my heart to write but will continue after I take my little one to the doctor. She's had pneumonia for 3 weeks but is doing much better now.

In love and in divine light,
wendy wade

Continuation of "My Story"

I truly continue to help myself through this maze of feelings so that I may be physically and emotionally and spiritually energized. These past few weeks have been really difficult for me. My body seems to need more and more and more rest and pain is prevelant every day. In my "surrender" to this illness that keeps me from participating in life, I decided to apply for a Handicapped Parking placard and got myself a little scooter so that I can take my children on some excursions this month. I have been able to go school clothes shopping and to take the kids to the Renaissance Faire. Instead of staying in my bed, where I have spent most of the summer, with little or no contact with anyone other than my good friend, John, I played and had fun with my children, ages 7 and 14 and attending high school as a freshman. My biggest pain has been around not being "there" in a physical way for my family. There have been days where I thought if I didn't do something soon my heart might just slow to a halt.

I guess some explanation is in order for those of you who are not aware of my health challenge. I am diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Immune Deficiency Syndrome as well as Fibromyalgia and PTSD. I have been disabled for about 2 years now and have lost much of my cognitive skills (memory, concentration, ability to count and to process small problems) this problem can be corrected. Together they have made life truly misery for me somedays - and as I sit with all the hope and faith in my heart that this illness will end, I find that I am at a loss for how to move out from it's walls.

I finally have had more than I can take and have been doing some anger work. My expectation for this work was that after the Level 2 workshop I floundered through last weekend, that I would be healed, automatic and all at once. Needless to say I have some great expectations sometimes. I do think I am on the right path - just very impatient. I have begun to feel a vibration of energy that hasn't been with me for months and months and slowly I believe as I work through this anger my body will heal.

I proclaim now that "I am alive and well" and that "I am dancing" and that "my energy fuels my passion" and that "I believe I can soar". With these proclamations comes my intention and commitment to do everything I can to be kinder and gentler and more loving to me. In my work I realized that I would never treat anyone in this world with the contempt and disrespect I've shown myself these past months. Instead of thinking of all I cannot do and how disappointed I am that my body has lost it's tone and my face shows my depletion of energy, that my situation is temporary and that my daily routine of exercise and good health is soon to be mine once more. There are very few moments where I live in the act of the rape itself - for me any moment spent there is another moment I give my health and my life away to an incident in time. My anger is deep and has been growing inside since I was a small child - that small child is now in control and screaming its refusal to stay imprisoned. I move closer to my goals, closer to my strength, closer to my power in every moment I choose to take care of me.

During the workshop I was so totally confused and lost - all night Friday and all day Saturday until I went to bed while the others danced. On Sunday morning I woke early to sit on the deck, meditate and write in my journal. I asked the universe to give me what it would take to move out of this hole. I screamed from my heart that I was ready to do the work - that the time was right. I called in all my spiritual guardians to assist my transcendence to being well. When I opened my eyes and looked down I found a leaf had fallen at my feet - that leaf was in the perfect shape of a heart - at that moment I found my heart. Of course, what will take me from this hell back to my health is living in my heart... Doing the work through my heart. How had I forgotten that - my intention is to be in my heart as much as I can. I was ecstatic and knew that all I needed to do was stand in front of the room and speak my truth and that the work and the healing would all fall into place.

My confusion kept me from writing. My pain kept me from letting you in. My mind said "Not until you've solved it can you ask for help." Thank you for living in your heart. Thank you for supporting my living in mine.

In deepest love, gratitude and respect, wendy wade "I believe I can Soar"

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