Proliferation of the number of breast augmentations has increased by 275 percent in the last five years according to the American Society for Plastic and Reconstructive Surgery since the FDA silicone implant ban caused breast surgeries to drop for a brief while due to charges that leakage caused connective-tissue and autoimmune disease. It is visibly apparent that buying fake boobs has become the most rapidly expanding procedure of any cosmetic operation.  Just look around for in-your-face baseballs coverage or rather headlight exposure in an age when a shocking one in nine American women contract breast cancer.

I'm wondering why every place I turn at any female-wait-staff-dominated restaurant I'm nose to nipples with torpedo implants especially when Carrabba's secret chicken whistle among the insider male staff isn't about whether the just-arrived female's boobs are another perfect pair of softball- size falsies.  The alert-your-fellow servers' signal doesn't have anything to do with in-your-face augmented cleavage large enough to park a semi in sideways.  In fact, this simultaneous chicken whistle is blown over a woman whose jugs are 100% original twofers wrapped in a minimizer sports bra without being miracle bra brassiere food. 

I'm talking a topside-blessed woman whose snack trays aren't beach ball bikini fillers or pumpkin butter-bags, but rather normal chestnuts in a bigger-the-better bonbon society where artificial boobies lead the odds against natural racks. At least she doesn't shock-absorber strut around like many of the paid-for-gondola women do unnaturally shoving plastic Ho Hos upward hoping everyone will notice her phony dubbies.  She doesn't have to.

We spot two gallon Ziploc che-chees immediately and turn to ogle in the same way we, men and women alike, stare--albeit real briefly--at white-bleached blonde or bright clown-red hair color. Then we turn away and quietly laugh. How can we help but not notice moo-moos the size of the entire cow?  Teton toting women are usually under the false impression that we're staring at them because it looks good and we can't tell the imitation piggies haven't been further stuffed when they are shaped like two man-made funbag mammaries.

I realize body image is individual and for those unfortunate women born with fried eggs the size of sunny side up, the lure of the counterfeit curves is semi understandable until you talk one-on-one with the men that adore small peepers. Ask my male friend who frequented a local pub to gaze in appreciation at the female bartender's nipple rings until she got a three- dollar-bill boom-boom job and coped the bad attitude that she could have a smart mouth because now in her words she "has boobs."  My nipple-pierced- small-boob-fetish friend hasn't been back since.

The lure of small tooters for a man is all about solitary taste which is exactly why I can't fathom the reason women by the droves are opting for steel yayas and a life long backache by stuffing their sugarplums with Texas size garbage bags filled with salt water rather than finding a man who liked what they were born with.

I wouldn't consider loss of nipple sensation any more than a man would consider having both his balls removed.

Obviously, these women haven't had to sit for hours on end lifting their boom booms up to ease the weight on their upper back and to relieve the painful tear of their breasts stretching due to mammoth overkill in size like the women do who have their nipples removed during breast reduction surgery. Those women I can completely empathize with.  The relief they achieve after reduction is well worth it.

Any woman who wants imitation pontoons for self-esteem issues has every right. I've had best friends that went from pancake flat to nice sized breasts and were ecstatic with their results, almost completely ecstatic. Going from a flat chested woman who could go braless all the time to one who couldn't go braless for more than thirty minutes without having her mountains hurting like an out-of-control avalanche was an unexpected, unwelcome addition to going bazongas-overboard by getting unreasonable honeydew melons instead of reasonable peaches.

For men ignoring female breasts is about as impossible as jumping out an airplane without a parachute and not splattering the ground. It doesn't matter whether he's at work, on the street or supposedly on safe ground at home sofa-hugging in front of the boob tube--now you know where the name came from--he's sucker punched with a brazen display of French-bra-lifted, Wonder- pad-stuffed, gym-honed, sheer-peeking-brown-eyed breastices.

Men mumble, usually out of processed-boulders-females' earshot in male dominated corridors, first whether his main squeeze has real milk bottles or not. Then the conversation turns to how much they hate the freakish feel of rubberized Bobsy twins, how this girl's fabricated babaloos are set too far apart, the impostor balloons are blown up too big, the cupcake texture is lumpy, or the bee stings are badly scarred.  In other words, many man say point blank, we hate fake boobs.

It's the chicken whistle secret about rare God-given breasts that has accidentally leaked out to the few of us women with the real McCoys for which I must thank all you processed-ice-cream-scoop impostor-creamers women.

Natural noogies are a valuable find and a genuine commodity in a market of manufactured melons.

Email Kay Chirichigno (CHAIR-A-KEY-NO) at KChirichig@aol.com ©1999 Kay Chirichigno

Readers opinions:

"How funny you are!  Women with natural breasts are much more appealing. Continue to tell these women that get fake ones they are making a huge mistake thinking all men find them attractive. I certainly don't. Give me real breasts any day." -- Rocco, Biel-Bienne, Switzerland

che-chees

 - this word was used on the web site
"http://www.womensjourneys.com/html/rants_chicken.html" and my wife and I would like to know it's origin if possible.  She had heard it before, but I had not. We'd like to look it up in a dictionary but are unable to
reference the proper language to find the exact meaning.
Thank you so much, and we enjoyed the article immensely!
Jeff & Julie

Jeff & Julie,
It is the Spanish word for a woman's breasts.  A better Spanish word would be Te Ta, but Che-chees seems to have better recognition by English speaking readers.  Your wife was sharp to catch it.  I'm glad to hear you liked the article so much. It has been extremely popular.
Mucho Gracias.
Amore,
Kay Chirichigno
 

"You said you understood if I was flat and then you made me howl with laughter at the end." -- Samantha, Scotland

"Maybe I'm old fashion, but I'm gonna say real because it's better knowing that she's like this from God not some doctor. I think it's wrong to deface yourself like that and if you're not happy with the way you're made then you're in need of some help and some self esteem." Mick, via internet

"Why do normally smart women get caught up in the wrong attitude that false breasts are going to make a difference in their sex life?  You told them better than I could that it couldn't be farther from the truth." -- Anj, London

"You made me laugh.  I'll be chicken whistling from now on."
Bhavani, Sydney, Australia

"Fake ones look good, but they're harder.  They don't feel real. I prefer real ones because there soft and natural.  Size doesn't matter.  My current girlfriend has small, but firm ones. Real ones are better.  This other girl had fake boobs and her nipples were not as sensitive.  They looked perfect, but felt awful." Cleon, 27, Tennessee

"If I have any inkling a woman's breasts aren't real, I can tell you right now, I don't want anything to do with her."
Thomas, Wien/Austria

"I personally don't care if a woman's (breasts) are real or not although I prefer real ones.  If I was a woman, I certainly would not alter my body in this manner." -- Cyrano, Columbes, France

"Real boobs whether they're big or not, because it's the woman's natural body not some fake alteration unless it was a surgical necessity.  My girlfriend has a size I bra. Her shoulders and back hurt. I really wouldn't like her to, just as if she was small and wanted an enlargement, but I told her it's her body and I'm not the one that has to live with pain or lack of feeling.She's still young. You also have to consider she may not be able to breastfeed.  It doesn't matter to me whether they're small or large as long as they are real. Either way I'd love her for her." James, Philly, PA

"What a chuckle you got from me over the Chicken Whistle!  I'm proud of my natural body. No falsies for me." -- Lisbeth, Stockholm, Sweden

"Women are perfect , no matter what size.  I'm glad you aren't afraid to announce it to the world." -- Christian, Behamberg, Austria

"My good guy says all you need is a handful or a mouthful. More than a mouthful is a waste. They buy those boobs in Hollywood like we buy cartons of milk. It was nice to see at the awards, the really beautiful gals didn't have those fake boobs.  I'll take ogling over indifference any day!"  Kyle, 33, Henderson, Nev.

"Fake Boobs taste like RUBBER."  Jake, 29, South Miami Beach, Florida

"I figure if someone has to use rubber/plastic/silicon to be happy, there must be underlying issues I don't want anything to do with." John, 44, New York, New York

"I spent $4,200 on my ex's front end addition and they don't feel or should I say didn't feel real.  They are very eye appealing, but if you love someone they are only an appendage.  I loved her before the additions and I still love her...unfortunately. I didn't like the fake ones. She wanted them. I didn't.  She was beautiful without false breasts." Tony, 42, Yorktown, Virginia

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Email Kay Chirichigno (CHAIR-A-KEY-NO) at KChirichig@aol.com ©1999 Kay Chirichigno

An Interview with Kay Chirichigno
By Anita Wadd

Some other articles by Kay Chirichigno

Lost Love written by Kay Chirichigno can be found at www.booksonscreen .com

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